A Man Picked Me Up! And Other Thursday Confessions

This beautiful photo is by Lel4nd at Flckr.com

...I Confess ... I Took Someone Home

Today is Thursday Confessions, and I have a confession to make. I went for a walk and this gorgeous man picked me up as I was walking down the street. And then ... I took him home! Forgive me, but he was my husband and I couldn't resist!  He called me as I was walking and came and met me up halfway through the walk. Awesome!

He's trying to get back into shape, too, and he has a lot less far to come back to. He was a real athlete at one time and it's pretty natural for him.  He needs to lose about ten lbs or so, and he wants to get back in good shape. I think it won't be too hard for him. Me, on the other hand, have further to go! But it's great when we do some walk together. It gets us both out and about and I think we both sleep better, too.

...I Confess ... I Feel Hope

Today is the day that I bare my soul to you the readers. (Not that I don't do that even on other days, but this is the special day for it!) Well, I confess that I feel so much hope right now about losing weight. I know that I can do this! It's not going to be easy and it will take a while, but it is definitely possible.

What clicked for me is that Tuesday I was actually under on my calorie count, for the first time in .... let's see ... forever. And I wasn't really trying. It just worked out that I got busy and didn't eat that much. Having that happen made something click in me.

Imaging those scale numbers!

And the other thing that gave me hope was that as I walked the other morning, I forced myself to visualize losing weight every ten pounds or so. It was weird. At first, I could only visualize the first 30 lbs or so because it's been so long since I've been down there. But I forced myself to imagine it -- to imagine how long it would take me to lose each increment and how I had accomplished that goal. It took a while but I imagined myself all the way down to 120 lbs less than I am right now. My goal right now is 100 lbs gone, but it's hard to say what the final stop will be. I will be able to tell better when I get there.

The hardest part was feeling motivated after getting into the 100 club: being under 200 lbs. It's been so long since I have seen 100 something on the scale and I have almost forgotten how it feels. I thought that when I get there, I will take a couple of months off and just coast and enjoy being 190 something, for the first time in so long. And then I will get back to work.

So that is my confession: that it is seeming possible now. And it's a good feeling!

About Starting Over

This is me.

Well, I am going to change the purpose of this blog slightly. This is a new blog, and I have been trying to figure out the best things to write about. As you know, so far, I have just been writing about writing itself.

Upon reflection, however, I have decided to open this blog to make it broader. What will I write about? I will still be sharing, but rather sharing of my journey of life: what I learn, what I see. It's too confining for me to write only about writing, so I desire to open it up, and include other topics, too. So, all that was just a warning. We are leaving the "write only about one thing zone!" Beware!


So, let's leave that zone, and talk about starting over. I remember saying to one of my friends one time, "I just wished I could start over."

She then said, "yeah, me too, but you can't."

Well, I found her answer kind of depressing, but she was right, in a way. We can't really start over, without carrying over the consequences of what we did the day before. It will be there. It has become reality.


Let's say, for example, we want to lose weight (something I am trying to do right now). We cannot simply start over, and then all the weight is gone. We live with the choices we made in the days and years before, and if those choices led to weight gain, we are stuck with the consequences.


What we can do, however, is to do differently today. Or tomorrow. Even if we messed up again today, by eating a big amount of junk, we can "start over" tomorrow. And we can forgive ourselves for the mess, and start eating healthy.


And that applies to everything in life. Even if we got into an unfortunate job; if we married an non-compatible person, or we neglected to spend time with our kids, we can do differently today, or tomorrow. We can start looking for a different job, we can find ways to connect with our spouse, we can go throw a football around with our boy.


The Scriptures say that "his ... mercies are new every morning." Lamentations 3:22-23


God gives us new mercy every morning, and we can either take advantage of it, or keep bemoaning the terrible choices we made yesterday. There is always hope, as long as we are alive!


For more on my weight loss journey, see my blog, 100togo.
For more on my faith walk, see my blog, Prayers to my LORD.

Setting a Foundation

This morning, I had to remind myself of why I have undertaken this journey: the journey to lose weight. I have taken this journey because I am laying a foundation for the future. I do have other dreams and aspirations, but without a healthy me, these will not happen. Taking care of my body and my home are the foundations of building a life.

image -- foundation by Samdogs (Flickr)

From these basics, flow anything else that comes from  a life. My life has been always lived the other way. I focused on career, and the outside world, at the expense of my body. It's not that I didn't try, but I unintentionally neglected my physical body and home, at the expense of serving others and the community. This was a form of self-abuse, and has eventually led to me being a hundred pounds overweight.

I want to take care of this body, because this body is the thing that takes me from place to place, that houses my soul, my spirit, and dreams. 

I Love Walking in the Rain!

I love walking in the rain!

Last night, I walked. I hadn't been out lately, and it felt so good to walk! I somehow think that if I could just rediscover the joy of exercise, I would be well on my way back to  health. And it's funny how the joy of exercise is related to the joy of life. I KNOW this! Movement is what makes us alive! (It's basic biology -- dead things don't move!) And moving will make me come alive again. Last night, I felt such a joy!

We walked to the store, which was about 20 minutes away away, and then back, and it had just rained.  For me, that's good, because I haven't been exercising this year. One challenge, though! My feet are absolutely killing me! With the last twenty pounds I gained, my feet just get huge pains shooting through them when I walk. I have to admit, this has made it really hard to walk. I hope a really good pair of running shoes would help; last night I was wearing sandals. Wait! Comfortable shoes ... I feel old!

*Image by Clairity, Flickr.com

I'm Ready -- Taking an Inventory

Well, I am ready. Ready to start again.

After a wonderful visit with my sister and nieces for four days, I have had time to face myself, and the fact that my life has to change. I need to move again. It's going to be a journey with challenges, but I can't give up.

I am going to keep going on my journey to get back to slim and healthy.  I have had some big detours, but I am getting back on the narrow path. It's exciting because today is a new day, and I am not condemned to keep repeating the mistakes of my past. God is so merciful in giving us all new days every day. That we may go a different way!

It has been a rocky start for me. Looking at the prospect of changing my life has been daunting. Extremely so. Looking at the possibility of not succeeding has kept me from truly trying. But without trying, I will never succeed. By not giving up, some success is guaranteed!

So here I go again.

Without A Vision ...

Well, thank goodness you can't catch any cooties over the Internet, because our whole house has been sick this week, and I just feel like I have germs all over me.

A couple of days ago, I realized that fifteen years ago, and a hundred pounds ago, I used to do so so much more in every day! I was thinking of how I used to run around every day, full of energy, getting so much accomplished everyday, without even trying! My energy levels were just so much higher, that I naturally accomplished much more.

Wow, this is a real wake up call to me.  I know maybe getting older is part of it, but if I was in shape, I would be able to just a lot more -- naturally. Now, I have to push myself, to get things done, and to keep going, I have to really push myself. I HATE admitting that, but this is about being honest, and that's the truth.

My last week

Well, this week has not been as successful as the week before. The ambush? One word: leftovers. Yeah, I made it through Thanksgiving (I'm Canadian, for those that don't know!) and managed to not eat that much over my limit. But .... leftovers!!!! I cooked up a crazy load of food to eat, and it was all in the fridge, all week, and it was there late at night, while my husband was at work. Mashed potatoes, sweet potato casserole, meatballs with sweet and sour sauce, dressing, turkey, ham .... apple crisp. MMMMmmm....!

Why would I do this to myself? Well, I really wanted to give my husband a special meal for Thanksgiving, even though it's just the two of us ... to start a Tradition for our family, being newly married. We were both bummed out at not going out for Thanksgiving anywhere, and decided to cook up a meal at the last minute. It was a wonderful meal! I had never cooked such a feast before mostly by myself. (My husband was doing some last-minute work on the house before winter while I cooked)

And it was so good. I left the table full but not grossly filled up in pigginess. Like I usually would at a meal like this. But afterwards, in the following days, all that food got to me. I just lost control this week. I admit it. And felt terrible ... terrified that I would gain it all back. I had a period of about three weeks where I felt great ... in control and not letting food control me.

This weekend, I am taking back the reins. Last night, we went to some friends to watch videos. There were LOTS of snacks. I had three carrots, all night, and water. Oh, and about 8 rice crackers. A bit high on salt but low-calorie. For supper, the boys and my gorgeous husband suggested A &W. I insisted on Quizno's (subs). I had an eight-inch Chicken sub. No A&W for this girl .... even though we were in a rush, and time was short.

But man, this is hard! I am fighting against my own tendency to want to give up. It  is so constant! And so easy to mess it up! It only takes a day or two of going off track to start those habits again. Yikes!!!

I have been teaching the kids character education at school, and this month's saying is:
Watch your thoughts. They can become your words.

Watch your words. They can become your actions.

Watch your actions. They can become your habits.

Watch your habits. They can become your character.

Watch your character. It can become your destiny.

And how quickly those little actions of greediness, of gluttony can become habits again! And how quickly those depressing thoughts can lead me to the actions of overeating!

On the other hand (always trying to find the positive side!), how quickly good actions can become good habits! Which will eventually lead to a destiny of healthiness and normal weight!!!

Yay!!!!

The Bag Lady and the Princess

Well, I have kind of established a routine I can work with regarding blogging. When I'm working, I only seem to be to manage one or two posts a week, for now. These posts are on the weekend, when I have some time. During the week, I'm just so tired by the end of the day, and can't seem to pump out many new ideas, after pumping out ideas all day with my students!

There's another reason I can't seem to blog more than twice a week, too. It's kind of that I am a bit shy sometimes about sharing my progress, or lack of it. For example, when I am doing well, I don't want to brag too much ... and when I am not doing well, I am a bit ashamed. Sometimes blogging feels like going around the room shouting, "me, me, me!!!" Haha! It doesn't have to be just about me, but that's the idea ... to write about my journey to weight loss .... and there's a part of me that sometimes resists that. I think it's the same part of me that sometimes thinks it's self-centred to demand my choice of healthy restaurants rather than MacDonald's. The same part that says that going for a walk to exercise this body isn't really worth it. The part that sometimes would rather disappear than ask for and work for what she wants. Call it my shadow self, or my addictive self, or my destructive self ... she's there.

A while back, I was receiving counselling for a relationship gone very bad. The counsellor asked me to draw two pictures of myself: one of the me that was depressed and hopeless, and one of the me that wanted to heal and move on. It was a very powerful exercise for me. One was a picture of a street lady .... dirty, ugly, cheap and caring nothing for herself. The other was of a very strong powerful, confident woman who always took care of herself and stood up for herself. I fleshed each woman out with a very detailed description, and realized that each one was part of me.

Wow! That experience helped to see that there was a strong woman inside of me, in spite of my depression at the time, in spite of my overwhelming feeling of despair. At the time, I told my counsellor, "I am getting rid of the bag lady." She said something I will never forget: "don't reject her. Honour her and her needs." Wow!! That bag lady needed love!

How does all this relate to today and my weight loss? Well, there is a battle going on in me ... and many of us, between the "bag lady" that doesn't think she is worthy of taking the time for, and the "gorgeous woman" who knows she is worth it. A big part of weight loss is finding a balance that works for us between being gentle with our weaknesses, and finding our strengths.

Trying to be reasonable

This week has been a better week so far for me in regards to the "getting fit" thing! I was feeling very stressed out how I would be able to do it all, and have come to the conclusion that I can't ... do it all, that is. But I will try to do the best I can each day. It might not reach my goals, completely, but it's better than what I was doing last year ... far better. I have to be willing to compromise, somewhat, in order to keep my sanity.

So far this week, I did not get up early to walk ... I was too tired ... but I did walk for about half to three quarters of an hour on Monday and Tuesday evening. It was nice ... I stayed in town after work on Monday and just walked around the town ... a welcome change from dump road.

Also, I have been counting my cals on SparkPeople, and Monday night, I was actually below my recommeneded range by about 200 calories. That is unheard of for me! And it felt good to have quite a bit less food than I am used to.

I am quite sure that my blood sugar had been permanently raised for quite a while because I did so much binging, and it feels like it's not any more. That is a really good feeling.

It is possible ... I see that today ... because of the science ... if I keep doing more of the right things, results will come, eventually.

P.S.  Even if I am not perfect ... !

Better Choices

Well, after being shocked last night at my calorie numbers, I have come to peace with it. I have to just keep trying to make better choices, overall.

For example, if I do indulge in macaroni or potato salad, it should only be a maximum of half a cup a day. That stuff is lethal!

And spits or other nuts: the serving size should be a maximum of half a cup.

And no pastries... I don't crave these but once in a while, I am offered and don't refuse.

In summary, last week I exercised three days out of seven. I ate reasonably four days out of seven. Three days, I went way over my calorie range. So overall, there probably wasn't a calorie deficit for the week. I may have even gained some from the three overeating days. But .... my habits are getting better. My body is getting more used to exercise. I am getting used to being accountable for my eating. And I only did one emotional binge last week.

Overall: Okay.

Oh yeah: one more thing. I asked God to forgive me and heal me from my sin. I know that he forgives me, so I forgive myself for my sins and mistakes. That is important ... to forgive myself, and to move on. This is a new day, and his mercies are new every morning!

Dawn

Well, I feel pretty excited right now. I walked/hiked about 2.5 miles this morning .... starting at 4:30 a.m. before work. Yes, 4:30 a.m.! It was actually wonderful ....

Frogs, crickets sing in quiet harmony,
Steady rhythm puslates
From their tiny, faithful throats ...

Time before daylight
I walk to the sound of the dawn.

Soft grass grows and mingles with the rough ground,
The sweet smell envelopes
Me in its fecund delights.

Time before daylight,
I walk in the freshness of fall.

I breath in the air, and breath out my troubles,
Embracing the freedom
That solitude brings.

Time before daylight,
I stroll in the quiet of night.

Praise to Lord Jesus, my Creator and Lord,
Hallelujah, He's risen,
And he fills my heart.

Time before daylight,
I walk to the song of the Son.

Time before daylight,
I walk to the song of the dawn.

That's kind of how it was this morning ... so beautiful! I find it easier to express in poetic form than prose.

But it was really nice ... and then after that I went to work. My legs are still really sore, but I am glad I did it.