Monday, January 16, 2012

Reflections on overeating

I wanted to write just a bit more after my last post. I have been really looking deeply at the overeating that I do, and these are some reflections. 

First of all, I ended up overeating yesterday quite a bit. I made some stew for supper and it was delicious. Very delicious. And I had a reasonable portion with my husband before he went to work. Then, after he left, I ate about three more bowls of it. There. It's out. My secret's out. I'm a  closet eater. Still. I've been doing much better but at night, for dinner, I often overeat in my portions. 

And why did I do it? Well, I didn't think it really was that much. I mean, my body afterwards definitely knew it was too much but somehow my mind rationalized it. And I racked my brains trying to come up with, why?:As you may have guessed, this isn't the first time I have done this.

Here's that stew again
And it's much less emotional eating, much less of what I would call the binges. No, it's just kind of mindless eating, and it is a form of denial. When I make it, and it's good homemade food, I tend to think, "it's okay. It's healthy food. It's not that bad." And I don't think it counts for much. In short, I do bad math. I see healthy food, as opposed to french fries or cookies, and I justify. I indulge, indulge in healthy food. But it's still indulging, and the calories still really add up. 

And eating too much has become such a habit for me that I don't even realize that I am doing it. I just do it, and regret it afterwards. So, that is why I have to track right now: to force myself to look at how much I eat. To become aware, after years of not realizing. 

And I believe I will get there because I refuse to give up. I am being brutally honest about where I am at, because I am tired of hiding. If I do this, I know I am not the only one. I am clawing myself out of the fat life, and finding the way. And God is helping me. And I fully believe I will make it. I'm not claiming to be the super diet guru. I'm just a woman trying to change. And change is hard, and gradual,  but good.